The Work of Becoming a Not-Suffering Soup Spiller

So how does someone transform from the suffering soup spiller in the first comic to the not-suffering spiller in comic number two? How can we start to wake up from the overpowering thoughts and associated feelings that warp our perception and kill our joy? One method that's helped me is answering Byron Katie's Four Questions, along with the "turn-arounds."

Here's what a session might look like on one of the suffering spiller's troubling thoughts:

THE ONE-BELIEF-AT-A-TIME WORKSHEET
THE WORK – A WRITTEN MEDITATION

Enter a stressful concept on the line below and then question it in writing (on blank paper as needed) using the following questions and turnaround:

Belief: My partner doesn't help me.

1. Is it true (the belief from above – yes or no)? Yes.

2. Can you absolutely know that it’s true? No, if I'm really honest with myself it's not absolutely true that he doesn't help me.

3. How do you react when you believe that thought? What happens? I feel tired. Mad. Resentful.

If the following questions apply, please answer in writing. Before you answer, close your eyes, be still as you contemplate your answer:

a) Where do you feel it in your body when you think that thought? Close your eyes. Describe what you feel. My jaws clench. My arms feel heavy. I feel heavy all over.

b) How have you treated that person, the situation, and others when you believe that thought? What did you say and do? Be specific. I yell at him and complain. I try to make him feel guilty. Or sometimes I just isolate myself and don't talk, make eye-contact.

c) How do you treat yourself when you believe that thought? What addictions, if any, do you experience? (Cigarettes, food, internet, alcohol, shopping, chocolate,
television…)? I ignore myself and my feelings. I want chocolate and T.V. Sometimes I overwork myself.

d) Where and when did that thought first occur to you? Describe briefly what your life was like before that thought first occurred to you. I remember as kid having too much homework and having to babysit my sister. I would have to stay up late to get everything done and would end up crying and stressed out. Before that, I remember being a young child and asking for help easily and unselfconsciously. No stress.

e) Where does your mind travel when you believe that thought? (List any underlying beliefs and question them later.) It travels to the future- I see piles and piles of work, and me stuck, doing it all alone.

f) Does this thought bring peace or stress? Definitely stress!

4. Who would you be without the thought? I notice that the reality is that I do what I do. Sometimes I ask for help and sometimes I don't. Sometimes people help me, and sometimes they don't. There is no stress about it. I'm also able to see the countless times that someone helped me and I hadn't even asked. I'm free to notice the times of unexpected assistance. If I don't get help, I don't need it.

a) Who or what are you without your story? I'm a person carrying soup who is aware that there are things I'd like to have happen before my in-laws arrive and aware that nothing NEEDS to happen that does not happen. I can also see how the people around me are feeling. Maybe my partner is stressed in his own way.

Turn the thought around. (Example of a statement: He hurt me.): I don't help my partner.

How is your turnaround as true or truer? (For “I hurt me,” how have you hurt you in this situation?) Give examples: Darn it, it's true. I don't help my partner when I wait until the last minute to get things done for company and then blame him for my stress. I don't help him when he has a big project due at work and I don't help him out with family stuff. I don't help my partner when I expect him to know what I want from him and don't give him a chance by telling him!

Turn it around to yourself (Our example: I hurt me.): I don't help me.

How is your turnaround as true or truer? (For “I hurt me,” how have you hurt you in this situation?) Give examples: That is true I don't let myself ask for help when I want it, when I overwork myself and get stressed out, and when I don't plan ahead and rush at the last minute. Oh, I also don't help myself when I make up this whole story that people should be different than they are and that my needs are more important. That does not help me!

Turn it around to the opposite (He didn’t hurt me.): My partner does help me.

(For “He didn’t hurt me, or he helped me,” how did he not hurt you? How has he helped you?) Give examples: True! He helps me when he gives me space to vent without being reactive. He helps me when he does things he knows I like ( hugs, smiles, massages, sex). Actually, if I'm really honest, he helps me when he doesn't help me, because then I get the chance to do this work and practice asking for help when I want it. I learn to be honest.

Turn it around to “my thinking” where appropriate (My thinking hurt me.): My thinking doesn't help me.

How is this turnaround as true or truer? (For “My thinking hurt me,” how has your
thinking hurt you?) Give examples: True again! There are times that my thinking doesn't help me ESPECIALLY when it tells me that my partner doesn't ever help me out! It doesn't help me when it tells me I can get more done in a day than is really possible. My thinking doesn't help me when it lies to me and tells me I suck and that I'm a lousy wife.

So, he doesn't help me...is it true? Nope. No. It isn't true at all.

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HERE'S AN INVITATION TO A WEEKLY CLASS IN SECOND LIFE
ON THE WORK OF BYRON KATIE

Welcome to the class: An Introduction to The Work of Byron Katie! Hosted by Olasofia Seelowe.

Delighted to offer you the chance to learn and practice this laser sharp tool for achieveing peace of mind, clear thinking, and stress reduction.

• Day: Mondays
• Time: 11am SLT (8pm CET)
• Duration: 90minutes
• Location: It will take place at one of the main meeting areas on this island.
• Exact Class Location: It is usually at "Stonehenge": The teleport to "Stonehenge" is at the main reception area at the Wisdom & Enlightenment Center. Remember to check the exact location just before the class as it may change.

The class will be run using voicechat.

*TIP* Download the latest version of Second Life for full voicechat features

FOR THOSE WHO ARE VOICECHAT-ENABLED
If you have voicechat enabled, you will be able to volunteer to be facilitated on a stressful thought.

FOR THOSE WHO ARE NOT VOICECHAT-ENABLED
You can still participate even if you do not have voicechat.
*you will be able to hear my voice
*when we work in pairs during the class you will still be able to do this by IM using normal chat.

Look forward to seeing you there!
Warmly,
Olasofia

Seven posts later...

After seven days chasing the tail of compulsive curiosity, I finally pulled its arrow from my heart. I embarked upon a quest to answer all of my burning questions. Today I set a new course to question all of my burning answers. I invite you to join me.

Suppose a man is struck by a poisoned arrow and the doctor wishes to take out the arrow immediately. Suppose the man does not want the arrow removed until he knows who shot it, his age, his parents, and why he shot it. What would happen? If he were to wait until all these questions have been answered, the man might die first." Life is so short. It must not be spent in endless metaphysical speculation that does not bring us any closer to the truth. Thich Nhat Hanh, in Zen Keys

Jana's turn-around

(Continues previous post.)

Jana finally woke up. She felt much better, but knew that she'd probably fall into the same nightmarish state again if Jolene didn't show up that night.

A few months before, Jana's best friend from high school had offered to introduce her to The Work of Byron Katie and go through the Judge-Your-Neighbor worksheet with her. Jana gave her a call and arranged to get together that afternoon. To prepare, Jana downloaded the worksheet and answered the questions in writing:

1. Who angers, frustrates, or confuses you, and why?
I am angry at Jolene because she disappeared and didn’t have the decency to let me know what happened.

2. How do you want them to change? What do you want them to do?
I want Jolene to stop hiding from me and let me know who she really is.

3. What is it that they should or shouldn’t do, be, think or feel? What advice could you offer?
Jolene shouldn’t be afraid to commit to our relationship. She should let go of whatever made her run away from me and then she should come back.

4. What do they need to do in order for you to be happy?
I need Jolene to come back to me.

5. What do you think of them? Make a list.
Jolene is smart, funny, beautiful, sexy, adventurous, imaginative, assertive.

6. What is it that you don’t want to experience with that person again?
I don’t ever want to feel abandoned by Jolene again.

Later that day when her friend arrived, Jana went through the Four Questions and the turn-around:

1. Is it true?
2. Can you absolutely know that it’s true?
3. How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought?
4. Who would you be without the thought?
Turn it around

Here's a transcription of Jana's work that day:

Friend: Alright Jana. To start, read the worksheet out loud all the way through.

Jana: (reads work sheet)

Friend: What stands out to you? Which line has the most punch?

Jana: That's easy. It's "I don’t ever want to feel abandoned again."

Friend: Okay, so Jolene abandoned you, is it true?

Jana: Yes. It is true.

Friend: Jolene abandoned you. Can you absolutely know it’s true that Jolene abandoned you?

Jana: (sighs) No. She could be dead for all I know.

Friend: How do you react, what happens when you believe the thought “Jolene abandoned me."

Jana: I freak out and go nuts.

Friend: Describe the feeling that happens physically when you think the thought "Jolene abandoned me."

Jana: I get short of breath. I feel like I can’t breath. My throat gets dry. I feel nauseous. I feel hot.

Friend: Anything else?

Jana: I feel nervous. Scared. Terrified.

Friend: Who would you be without the thought “Jolene abandoned me.”

Jana: I’d be happier. Calmer. Back to normal.

Friend: Who would you be with Jolene?

Jana: Probably less desperate. Now that I think about it, this started before she disappeared. I would feel flashes of abandonment, but I just ignored them. So I guess I’d be less clingy. More secure.

Friend: Turn the thought around.

Jana: What do you mean?

Friend: Statements can be turned around to yourself, to the other, to the opposite and occasionally other variations. So one example would be “Jolene did not abandon me.” Is that true or truer for you?

Jana: Damn. Yes. Sitting here now, it doesn’t really make sense that I labeled what happened as Jolene abandoning me.

Friend: Give three genuine examples that Jolene did not abandon you.

Jana: I’m not her child, so even if she left it wouldn’t be abandoning me. She’d just be leaving.

Jana: I don’t know what happened, so she may have had a good reason not to be able to let me know that she wasn’t going to be there.

Jana: Nothing really changed except that I got upset. So, our relationship is what it always was as far as I know.

Friend: Turn the thought around to yourself

Jana: hmm? I abandoned me?

Friend: Can you find three examples that would make it true or truer than “Jolene abandoned me”

Jana: Well, part of me knew that I was getting upset about something that could easily be untrue. So when the part of me that knew better gave up and stopped contradicting those thoughts, I abandoned myself.

Friend: Another example? It could be with this situation or with your life in general.

Jana: I don’t know why I gave so much power to Jolene. I mean, I really hardly know her and it felt like I wanted to die just because she didn’t log in for a couple of days. So I abandoned myself when I let myself believe I wasn't enough without her. Like she was my air or my heart.

Friend: Third example?

Jana: There were probably a lot things I could do to snap out of that crazy feeling. But I just gave in to it and let myself be possessed by all that shit. I could have called some other friend or calmed myself down and thought through everything. But I just got to a point where I gave up on myself and let it all happen.

Friend: I hear you. Find another turnaround. “Jolene abandoned me”

Jana: I abandoned Jolene. Ha, that’s pretty funny.

Friend: Find three examples. See if it’s true or truer.

Jana: Well, like I said, she could have been dead or hurt or in trouble. But I didn’t worry about her or how I might be able to help her, I just cared about what it meant to me.

Jana: Maybe if I was more open with her, she would be able to be more open with me. I guess I was just interested in how she made me feel, not who she really was or what she needed.

Friend: Find another example. Imagine yourself crying, hurt over Jolene and find “I abandoned Jolene.”

Jana: I abandoned my good thoughts about Jolene so that’s like abandoning her. I closed my heart to her the minute I felt abandoned. So I abandoned her. I know that. And I really have no idea about what happened on her side.

When Jana logged into Second Life that night her perception had definitely shifted. It was possible that she'd short-circuited the chain of troubling thoughts and feelings enough to prevent the cycle from recurring. If not, she had learned a simple method to strip them of their power. By the way, it turned out that Jolene's electrical power had been out for two days after an ice storm. Coincidence?

Forgiveness is seeing what I thought happened, didn’t.
Bryon Katie

One more post to wrap this baby up and then we're out of here.

Loving What Is: Botgirl exposes her demons and then works to slay them

Each resident's perception of Second Life is unique. In a sense, it is not one world, but one million. Our experience of Second Life as a frustrating bug-ridden mess or a creative utopia is completely the result of our own thoughts and has nothing to do with any inherent quality of the tapestry of technology and beings we label as Second Life.

Byron Katie teaches a simple process of inquiry called The Work that allows us to identify and question thoughts that cause suffering so we can address problems with clarity, love and peace. The method investigates a chosen thought through a series of four questions and a turnaround:

1. Is it true?
2. Can you absolutely know that it's true?
3. How do you react, what happens, when you think that thought?
4. Who would you be without the thought?
5. Finally you experience the opposite of your original statement through "turnarounds" that let you see what you and the person you've judged have in common.

Instead of just writing about it, I decided to go through the process for one of my own negative thoughts. Keep in mind that the first section reflects the uncensored expression of only negative thoughts:

JUDGE YOUR NEIGHBOR WORKSHEET

1. Who angers, irritates, saddens, or frustrates you, and why?
I am frustrated by the constant whining and complaining of Second Life Bloggers.

2. How do you want them to change? What do you want them to do?
I want Second Life Bloggers to stop bitching and moaning all the time.
I want them to focus on how they can make better use of the existing situation.

3. What is it that they should or shouldn't do, be, think, or feel? What advice could you offer?
Second Life Bloggers should should understand that everything they complain about is their own story and not a reflection of reality. They should stop blaming their own frustration on others.

4. What do they need to do in order for you to be happy?
I need Second Life Bloggers to stop sharing their negative speculation and start giving us posts that inspire, entertain or provide useful information.

5. What do you think of them? Make a list.
Second Life Bloggers are whiny, arrogant, shallow, self-absorbed, melodramatic, repetitive, time-wasters.

6. What is it that you don't want to experience with that person again?
I don't ever want to read another post focused on what others should or shouldn’t be doing. I want to know what the writer is doing to make things better.

THE FOUR QUESTIONS
1. Is it true?
2. Can you absolutely know that it's true?
3. How do you react, what happens, when you think that thought?
4. Who would you be without the thought?

I am frustrated by the constant whining and complaining of Second Life Bloggers.

1. Is it true?
Yes, they whine and complain.

2. Can you absolutely know that it's true?
No, it’s not really constant. Many or most bloggers don’t complain the majority of the time. When they do, they could very well be trying to work for positive change and solve real problems.

3. How do you react, what happens, when you think that thought?
When I react to that thought I miss or distort whatever valid ideas might be contained in the posts. I do the same thing that I accuse them of doing. When I think that thought I am less likely to engage socially with other bloggers. I get more isolated. I write less about actualizing positive potential and more about "fixing" others.

4. Who would you be without the thought?
I would perceive the positive aspect of their communication. I would feel more connected to my fellow bloggers.

TURN AROUNDS

Original statement:
I am frustrated by the constant whining and complaining of Second Life Bloggers.

Turn arounds (with associated comments in blue):

• I am frustrated by the constant whining and complaining my own thoughts. This feels true. Nothing but my own thoughts can frustrate me. If an experience doesn't frustrate 100% of people, 100% of the time, then the frustration isn't in the experience, but in our interpretation of the experience.
  
• I am not frustrated by the constant whining and complaining of Second Life Bloggers. I'm frustrated by the whining and complaining in my own mind. Even the labels "whining" and "complaining" are just my own story.
  
• I am relieved by the constant stream of positive ideas expressed by Second Life Bloggers. That's very true. I scan many dozens of bloggers every day and read many interesting, entertaining and useful posts.
  
• Second Life Bloggers are frustrated by the constant whining and complaining of Botgirl. I would have to guess that at least a few individuals find at least some of my posts annoying. I even do sometimes in retrospect.
  

Original statement:
I want Second Life Bloggers to stop bitching and moaning all the time.

Turn arounds:

• I want to stop bitching and moaning all the time. That's true. Not only in what I express, but in what goes on internally.
  
• I want Second Life Bloggers to keep bitching and moaning all the time. There are many important issues they address. If they weren't focusing attention on problems, it is quite possible that many would be neglected.
  

Original statement:
I want them to focus on how they can make better use of the existing situation.

Turn arounds:

• I want me to focus on how I can make better use of the existing situation. I've only skimmed the surface of what's available on Second Life. I tend to go back to what's known, familiar and comfortable.
  
• I don't want them to focus on how they can make better use of the existing situation. It's not my job to want them to do anything. They are responsible for what they do. I am responsible for what I do.
  

Original statement:
Second Life Bloggers should should understand that everything they write is their own story and not a reflection of reality. They should stop blaming their own distress on others.

Turn arounds:

• I should understand that everything I write is my own story and not a reflection of reality. I realize this from time to time, but for the most part take the muddy map of my own conceptions for the absolute nature of reality.
  
• I should stop blaming my own distress on others. Can't argue with that one.
  
• Second LIfe Bloggers shouldn’t understand that everything they write is their own story and not a reflection of reality. They're humans. They are made up to do just that.
  
• They shouldn’t stop blaming their own distress on others. Same as above. They should keep doing it until they don't.
  

Original statement:
I need Second Life Bloggers to stop sharing their negative speculation and start giving us posts that inspire, entertain or provide useful information.

Turn arounds:

• I don’t need Second Life Bloggers to stop sharing their negative speculation and start giving us posts that inspire, entertain or provide useful information. It's none of my business. I have no real idea about the effects of anything they write. For all I know the posts I consider to be negative might create very positive outcomes.
  
• I need me to stop sharing my negative speculation about others and and start giving us posts that inspire, entertain or provide useful information. Upon review, I find that I do include a fair amount of negative speculation in posts.
  

Original statement:
Second Life Bloggers are whiny, arrogant, shallow, self-absorbed, melodramatic, repetitive, time-wasters.

Turn arounds:

• I am a whiny, arrogant, shallow, self-absorbed, melodramatic, repetitive, time-waster. I have exhibited all of those qualities at times.
  
• Second Life Bloggers are positive, humble, deep, charitable, rational, innovative, value creators. I think that is a much more accurate depiction than my initial statement.

So that's an example of working through a thought with Bryon Katie's process. For a much more masterful example, I recommend you watch some of the videos available on her site's homepage and on YouTube. There's a related group in Second Life.