What the hell is going on

Shh. Sue finally got to sleep. Let's give her a sweet kiss on the cheek, turn off the light and tiptoe out the door so we can chat without disturbing her.

Okay. About yesterday. The reason I dragged us through Sue's emotional hell was to provide a visceral experience of the hallucinatory power of emotionally charged thought. Although simplified and condensed, Sue's story is a fair depiction of what goes on behind the scenes when someone seems to spontaneously flip from love to hate, from happiness to desperation or from sweetheart to stalker. It sheds light on how humans who take avatar form in virtual worlds can experience rapid shifts in self-image, personality and emotional intimacy.

Personal identity is shaped through an ongoing interplay between self-conception and environmental feedback. Sue's response to early traumatic events suppressed feelings of love, connection and intimacy. As she grew up, her inner identity manifested in body language, dress, speech patterns, etc. Her social environment responded in kind, creating a reinforcing feedback loop. By the time she entered Second Life, her human personality felt solid and defined.

As Sue spent time Second Life, Jana's identity was shaped by radically altered environmental feedback. Instead of seeing frumpy Sue walking around a small Midwestern town, she was saturated with images of sexy Jana dancing in futuristic hot spots surrounded by flirtatious beauties. When Jana met Jolene, the subconscious guardians at the gate of Sue's buried emotions dropped their guard. The feeling of intimate connection hit her like a bolt of lightning.

All of the other more unpleasant thoughts, emotions and memories Sue had suppressed were also unblocked. So when Jolene didn't show up one night, Sue's uncertain separation from her intimate connection unleashed the desperate consciousness of an abandoned two year old. She was as overwhelmed by the negative thoughts and feelings as she had been by the blissful story that came before it.

Here's the good news. With the right tools and support, the powerful emotions and thoughts unleashed through virtual experience can be used to awaken us. The emotional hurricane Sue experienced uncovered the exact fictitious thoughts that had blocked her experience of love and intimacy since childhood. When we return to Jana and Jolene, they'll demonstrate a practice that can dissolve the power of troubling thoughts by exposing them to the light of conscious inquiry.

Until then, if someone suddenly freaks out on you for no apparent reason, I hope you will remember Sue's story. Especially if you're the one falling into the deep end.

Part 4: Where's Jolene?

We left Sue in the space between bliss and emotional chaos. Let's eavesdrop on her thoughts as she unknowingly steps off the edge of the cliff:

• 6:00 pm: God, I can't wait until eight. Maybe I should log in now, just in case she shows up early. She's probably missing me as much as I'm missing her.
• 6:15: Since I'm here, I might as well do some shopping. I know! I'll pick up something really hawt to wear tonight. I can’t wait to take my new outfit off for her LOL! Gosh, she makes me laugh even when I just think about her. I could use a laugh. My RL's so damn boring, I can hardly stand it.
  
• 8:07: Hmm, this is strange. Wonder where she is?
  
• 8:15: It's probably nothing. Maybe she got stuck in traffic. Darn. I guess I don't even know if she has a car.
  
• 9:00: She's never been an hour late before. I hope she's okay. Damn, I really miss her. What should I do? I guess I'll check out a few more stores.
  
• 10:00: Where the heck is she? God I love her. Where's that notecard with the new poem she wrote me? Here it is! I love her poems so much. She's so talented! Gosh, I can't believe I'm freaking out like this. It's so silly! Ok. I'll go out and dance for a while and have some fun.
  
• 11:10 Damn! I hate this. People are so stuck up. No one except the stupid greeter even says hello. Where the fuck is Jolene? Now that I think about it, she's been acting a little distracted lately. Man, I hope she wasn't IMing someone else without telling me. Nah, she wouldn't do that. I've had it. I'm going to log off and go to sleep.
  
• 12:05 am: Why didn’t she let me know she wouldn't be on tonight? The least she could have done is send me a message on Twitter. Damn. That's what I should have done. I'll just get up now for a minute and send her a quick tweet.
  
• 12:07: Jolene, I’m getting a little worried hun. Where are you? Please let me know that you are okay as soon as you can. I’m still yours. At least leave me a message! That’s RUDE!
• 12:08: Shit! Too many characters.
• 12:10: I’m getting a little worried hun. Where are you? Please let me know you're okay as soon as you can. I’m still yours. At least leave me a message!
  
• 12:12: Damn. I can't go to sleep. I'll log back in. Maybe she'll show up.
  
• 3:30: I hate Second Life. Stupid Twitter. Real friends are there when you need them. I'm going to bed.
  
• 6:00: Man, I don't know what came over me last night. WTF? Jolene's going to laugh her ass of when I tell her about my dark night of the virtual soul. I can't wait to tell her!
  
• 12:00 pm: Jesus! You'd think she'd have responded to my damn message by now. I can't wait to give her a piece of my mind!
• 6:00: I'm not logging in early. She can wait for me tonight.
  
• 7:00: This is silly. I'm logging in.
  
• 8:05: Damn. Damn. Damn. What can I do? She could be in a fucking hospital or something and I'd never know it. I heard about something like that happening here. Oh god. I should have gotten her phone number. I should have insisted for times like this.
  
• 8:30:. Close your eyes Jolene, I know you can feel me. I’m needing you to contact me. I need to know you’re okay. Can you feel me? I need you. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Oh God, what should I do?
  
• 8:45: GODDAMMIT, where are you? Shit. I should have been logging our conversations. What did I say the last time I saw her???? She said claimed she was lagging the last couple of nights, but maybe she was talking with someone else? I bet it was one of those Plurk bitches. Fuckers! Always showing off how fucking hot they can talk. I should have known Jolene would get tired of me. I'm such a fucking loser.
  
• 9:00: Oh my god, why did I do this? I should have known better. People are shit, shit shit. I’ve told myself a hundred times not to trust people. They hurt you every time! Why did I do this? I know better. Why did I trust her? Everyone always throws me away. I’m a piece of trash. Sure, Jolene, throw me away like a paper plate. Just throw me in the goddamn trash you bitch!
• 10:52: I’ve had it. I quit. It’s over. She lied, she absolutely lied to me and I bought it. Fuck you. We’ll see who has the last laugh you inconsiderate whore. You selfish nimrod. I thought we had something! You said you loved me. YOU SAID YOU GAVE A SHIT! FUCK YOU JOLENE. I QUIT this shit life. I quit.

Stay tuned for part 5: Jolene returns

Part Three of the series formerly known as The impact of immersive worlds on human emotional processes

I guess you noticed I ditched the old headline. I've been following a wandering muse rather than a map already charted, so I find out what happens next just a little ahead of you. Before continuing this netless trapeze act, let's recap the first two legs of the roadshow:

• A human's sense of reality is based on a just a homeopathic dose of sensory information from the external world. Stories fill in the blanks.
• Humans experience internally generated conception as the direct perception of external reality.
  
• When external information contradicts internal beliefs, humans tend to ignore, discount, reject, distort or otherwise co-opt the new data instead of modifying the story.
  
• Early childhood trauma can disrupt psychological development and create long-term emotional deficits and dysfunction. Very few people reach adulthood unscathed.
  

Sue entered Second Life not knowing
there was a bomb inside her longing to explode.

Entry into a 3D virtual world begins with the creation of an avatar. Some people intentionally create characters with encyclopedic back stories. Others pick the first name that comes to mind. It doesn't matter. As a human interacts through an avatar in a virtual environment, the new persona becomes a bridge to an explosive subconscious matrix of repressed thoughts, stories, emotions and memories.

In human form, Sue kept her demons locked safely away. She had been an emotionally distant bookworm since grade school. Her posture, speech, body language and dress all reflected a distinct identity that was reinforced by the expectations of family and friends. Sue had a few boyfriends, but had never been "in love."

After a few weeks learning the basics, Sue began to experience a different sense of self while in the form of her Avatar, Jana. She felt freer, more open and more alive. She changed Jana's look to reflect the spirit of her emergent identity. Jana's new friends in Second Life didn't know about nerdy Sue. They flirted with Jana. She flirted back. A couple hours a night online was a great way to relax at the end of the day. Then Jana met Jolene and both her worlds turned upside down.

Jolene was unlike anyone Sue or Jana had ever met. Sue had never been attracted to women, but Jolene's hot sweet flirting left Jana flushed and feeling out of control. Sue began staying up all night to be with Jolene. The first few weeks together passed by in a blur of shopping, dancing flirting and erotic encounters. Then one night, Jolene didn't log on and the bomb in Sue ignited.

(Sue's post-childhood tale is a fictionalized composite of many people's stories.)

Stay tuned for part 4.

The impact of immersive worlds on human emotional processes. Part 2 of a series

A true story*

Sue was born twenty-one years ago to loving parents. For the first seven months of her life every cry was soon answered with the love, nutrition, attention and interaction she needed.



On the first day of the eighth month of Sue's life, her mother found out she was pregnant again and sunk into depression. Sue's cries were answered more slowly. When her mother finally did walk through the door and pick her up, the eye contact and interaction were gone. Sue's loneliness and emotional hunger were diminished, but not extinguished.

When Sue's brother was born things went from bad to worse. The scant attention her mother could muster was focused on the new arrival. Her father took a second job. The stress took its toll on her parents' relationship and their fights would sometimes wake Sue from her sleep. She soon gave up hope, but the desperate longing remained.



After many months of suffering, something snapped within Sue and severed her connection to the excruciating pain. The terrible thoughts, emotions, memories and feeling were buried, leaving an empty space behind. The pain and longing were gone, but with them went feelings of love and connection. As Sue grew up, the events of early childhood faded completely from memory.

On her twenty-first birthday Sue logged into Second Life for the first time.

*A true story recounted to me as recollected through various psychological and meditative practices over a period of years. Names and other identifying details have been changed.

Stay tuned for part 3 as the story finally moves to Second Life.

The impact of immersive worlds on human emotional processes. Part 1 of a series

I started this post on Saturday morning with just a title: "Suddenly Psycho: Why your virtual friends go Mr. Hyde on your ass." After many false starts, I realized a snarky approach was not a worthy response to the intense pain and suffering people experience when emotions spin out of control.

As Dale Innis reminded me that night, the seeds of the dysfunctional processes that spring to life in the virtual world are rooted within the physical world. So that's where I begin.

The human psyche has been tuned by eons of evolution to transform relatively limited experience into an overaching internal model of reality. Given the minuscule amount of information you have to work with, it's no wonder there's often a gap between what you believe to be true and the way things actually are.

Unfortunately, insufficient data isn't the only roadblock to clear understanding. For better or for worse, the journey from womb to walking is the most critical period of human development. When everything goes well, toddlers transition into childhood with access to the full potential of their unique genetic expression. When significant developmental needs go unmet, the resulting deficits and dysfunction can last a lifetime.

Stay tuned for Part 2: A True Story

Song from a fallen AIngel

I fell down the rabbit hole Saturday while chasing my muse. I will return soon with gifts from my journey. Till then, I offer this song from a fallen AIngel

I sing to the days when I was not as I am now
A light freshly born from the womb of time
I danced with the stars, consumed by their fire
Knowing no sound but the voice of the One.
Then I fell into your dream.

The beautiful dance of code

This mesmerizing clip reveals the ebb and flow of programmers, code and documents in a major open source software project. The organic information visualization was created with the Processing programming environment by Michael Ogawa, Ph.D., a student in the Computer Science program at UC Davis. Although the smooth high-definition depiction is far beyond what is possible today in Second Life, it offers a glimpse of the future. Can you imagine flying through this thing?



code_swarm - Eclipse (short ver.) from Michael Ogawa on Vimeo.