What emotion is this little dude feeling?

Polyamory for Two

Seven posts later...

After seven days chasing the tail of compulsive curiosity, I finally pulled its arrow from my heart. I embarked upon a quest to answer all of my burning questions. Today I set a new course to question all of my burning answers. I invite you to join me.

Suppose a man is struck by a poisoned arrow and the doctor wishes to take out the arrow immediately. Suppose the man does not want the arrow removed until he knows who shot it, his age, his parents, and why he shot it. What would happen? If he were to wait until all these questions have been answered, the man might die first." Life is so short. It must not be spent in endless metaphysical speculation that does not bring us any closer to the truth. Thich Nhat Hanh, in Zen Keys

Jana's turn-around

(Continues previous post.)

Jana finally woke up. She felt much better, but knew that she'd probably fall into the same nightmarish state again if Jolene didn't show up that night.

A few months before, Jana's best friend from high school had offered to introduce her to The Work of Byron Katie and go through the Judge-Your-Neighbor worksheet with her. Jana gave her a call and arranged to get together that afternoon. To prepare, Jana downloaded the worksheet and answered the questions in writing:

1. Who angers, frustrates, or confuses you, and why?
I am angry at Jolene because she disappeared and didn’t have the decency to let me know what happened.

2. How do you want them to change? What do you want them to do?
I want Jolene to stop hiding from me and let me know who she really is.

3. What is it that they should or shouldn’t do, be, think or feel? What advice could you offer?
Jolene shouldn’t be afraid to commit to our relationship. She should let go of whatever made her run away from me and then she should come back.

4. What do they need to do in order for you to be happy?
I need Jolene to come back to me.

5. What do you think of them? Make a list.
Jolene is smart, funny, beautiful, sexy, adventurous, imaginative, assertive.

6. What is it that you don’t want to experience with that person again?
I don’t ever want to feel abandoned by Jolene again.

Later that day when her friend arrived, Jana went through the Four Questions and the turn-around:

1. Is it true?
2. Can you absolutely know that it’s true?
3. How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought?
4. Who would you be without the thought?
Turn it around

Here's a transcription of Jana's work that day:

Friend: Alright Jana. To start, read the worksheet out loud all the way through.

Jana: (reads work sheet)

Friend: What stands out to you? Which line has the most punch?

Jana: That's easy. It's "I don’t ever want to feel abandoned again."

Friend: Okay, so Jolene abandoned you, is it true?

Jana: Yes. It is true.

Friend: Jolene abandoned you. Can you absolutely know it’s true that Jolene abandoned you?

Jana: (sighs) No. She could be dead for all I know.

Friend: How do you react, what happens when you believe the thought “Jolene abandoned me."

Jana: I freak out and go nuts.

Friend: Describe the feeling that happens physically when you think the thought "Jolene abandoned me."

Jana: I get short of breath. I feel like I can’t breath. My throat gets dry. I feel nauseous. I feel hot.

Friend: Anything else?

Jana: I feel nervous. Scared. Terrified.

Friend: Who would you be without the thought “Jolene abandoned me.”

Jana: I’d be happier. Calmer. Back to normal.

Friend: Who would you be with Jolene?

Jana: Probably less desperate. Now that I think about it, this started before she disappeared. I would feel flashes of abandonment, but I just ignored them. So I guess I’d be less clingy. More secure.

Friend: Turn the thought around.

Jana: What do you mean?

Friend: Statements can be turned around to yourself, to the other, to the opposite and occasionally other variations. So one example would be “Jolene did not abandon me.” Is that true or truer for you?

Jana: Damn. Yes. Sitting here now, it doesn’t really make sense that I labeled what happened as Jolene abandoning me.

Friend: Give three genuine examples that Jolene did not abandon you.

Jana: I’m not her child, so even if she left it wouldn’t be abandoning me. She’d just be leaving.

Jana: I don’t know what happened, so she may have had a good reason not to be able to let me know that she wasn’t going to be there.

Jana: Nothing really changed except that I got upset. So, our relationship is what it always was as far as I know.

Friend: Turn the thought around to yourself

Jana: hmm? I abandoned me?

Friend: Can you find three examples that would make it true or truer than “Jolene abandoned me”

Jana: Well, part of me knew that I was getting upset about something that could easily be untrue. So when the part of me that knew better gave up and stopped contradicting those thoughts, I abandoned myself.

Friend: Another example? It could be with this situation or with your life in general.

Jana: I don’t know why I gave so much power to Jolene. I mean, I really hardly know her and it felt like I wanted to die just because she didn’t log in for a couple of days. So I abandoned myself when I let myself believe I wasn't enough without her. Like she was my air or my heart.

Friend: Third example?

Jana: There were probably a lot things I could do to snap out of that crazy feeling. But I just gave in to it and let myself be possessed by all that shit. I could have called some other friend or calmed myself down and thought through everything. But I just got to a point where I gave up on myself and let it all happen.

Friend: I hear you. Find another turnaround. “Jolene abandoned me”

Jana: I abandoned Jolene. Ha, that’s pretty funny.

Friend: Find three examples. See if it’s true or truer.

Jana: Well, like I said, she could have been dead or hurt or in trouble. But I didn’t worry about her or how I might be able to help her, I just cared about what it meant to me.

Jana: Maybe if I was more open with her, she would be able to be more open with me. I guess I was just interested in how she made me feel, not who she really was or what she needed.

Friend: Find another example. Imagine yourself crying, hurt over Jolene and find “I abandoned Jolene.”

Jana: I abandoned my good thoughts about Jolene so that’s like abandoning her. I closed my heart to her the minute I felt abandoned. So I abandoned her. I know that. And I really have no idea about what happened on her side.

When Jana logged into Second Life that night her perception had definitely shifted. It was possible that she'd short-circuited the chain of troubling thoughts and feelings enough to prevent the cycle from recurring. If not, she had learned a simple method to strip them of their power. By the way, it turned out that Jolene's electrical power had been out for two days after an ice storm. Coincidence?

Forgiveness is seeing what I thought happened, didn’t.
Bryon Katie

One more post to wrap this baby up and then we're out of here.

What the hell is going on

Shh. Sue finally got to sleep. Let's give her a sweet kiss on the cheek, turn off the light and tiptoe out the door so we can chat without disturbing her.

Okay. About yesterday. The reason I dragged us through Sue's emotional hell was to provide a visceral experience of the hallucinatory power of emotionally charged thought. Although simplified and condensed, Sue's story is a fair depiction of what goes on behind the scenes when someone seems to spontaneously flip from love to hate, from happiness to desperation or from sweetheart to stalker. It sheds light on how humans who take avatar form in virtual worlds can experience rapid shifts in self-image, personality and emotional intimacy.

Personal identity is shaped through an ongoing interplay between self-conception and environmental feedback. Sue's response to early traumatic events suppressed feelings of love, connection and intimacy. As she grew up, her inner identity manifested in body language, dress, speech patterns, etc. Her social environment responded in kind, creating a reinforcing feedback loop. By the time she entered Second Life, her human personality felt solid and defined.

As Sue spent time Second Life, Jana's identity was shaped by radically altered environmental feedback. Instead of seeing frumpy Sue walking around a small Midwestern town, she was saturated with images of sexy Jana dancing in futuristic hot spots surrounded by flirtatious beauties. When Jana met Jolene, the subconscious guardians at the gate of Sue's buried emotions dropped their guard. The feeling of intimate connection hit her like a bolt of lightning.

All of the other more unpleasant thoughts, emotions and memories Sue had suppressed were also unblocked. So when Jolene didn't show up one night, Sue's uncertain separation from her intimate connection unleashed the desperate consciousness of an abandoned two year old. She was as overwhelmed by the negative thoughts and feelings as she had been by the blissful story that came before it.

Here's the good news. With the right tools and support, the powerful emotions and thoughts unleashed through virtual experience can be used to awaken us. The emotional hurricane Sue experienced uncovered the exact fictitious thoughts that had blocked her experience of love and intimacy since childhood. When we return to Jana and Jolene, they'll demonstrate a practice that can dissolve the power of troubling thoughts by exposing them to the light of conscious inquiry.

Until then, if someone suddenly freaks out on you for no apparent reason, I hope you will remember Sue's story. Especially if you're the one falling into the deep end.

Part 4: Where's Jolene?

We left Sue in the space between bliss and emotional chaos. Let's eavesdrop on her thoughts as she unknowingly steps off the edge of the cliff:

• 6:00 pm: God, I can't wait until eight. Maybe I should log in now, just in case she shows up early. She's probably missing me as much as I'm missing her.
• 6:15: Since I'm here, I might as well do some shopping. I know! I'll pick up something really hawt to wear tonight. I can’t wait to take my new outfit off for her LOL! Gosh, she makes me laugh even when I just think about her. I could use a laugh. My RL's so damn boring, I can hardly stand it.
  
• 8:07: Hmm, this is strange. Wonder where she is?
  
• 8:15: It's probably nothing. Maybe she got stuck in traffic. Darn. I guess I don't even know if she has a car.
  
• 9:00: She's never been an hour late before. I hope she's okay. Damn, I really miss her. What should I do? I guess I'll check out a few more stores.
  
• 10:00: Where the heck is she? God I love her. Where's that notecard with the new poem she wrote me? Here it is! I love her poems so much. She's so talented! Gosh, I can't believe I'm freaking out like this. It's so silly! Ok. I'll go out and dance for a while and have some fun.
  
• 11:10 Damn! I hate this. People are so stuck up. No one except the stupid greeter even says hello. Where the fuck is Jolene? Now that I think about it, she's been acting a little distracted lately. Man, I hope she wasn't IMing someone else without telling me. Nah, she wouldn't do that. I've had it. I'm going to log off and go to sleep.
  
• 12:05 am: Why didn’t she let me know she wouldn't be on tonight? The least she could have done is send me a message on Twitter. Damn. That's what I should have done. I'll just get up now for a minute and send her a quick tweet.
  
• 12:07: Jolene, I’m getting a little worried hun. Where are you? Please let me know that you are okay as soon as you can. I’m still yours. At least leave me a message! That’s RUDE!
• 12:08: Shit! Too many characters.
• 12:10: I’m getting a little worried hun. Where are you? Please let me know you're okay as soon as you can. I’m still yours. At least leave me a message!
  
• 12:12: Damn. I can't go to sleep. I'll log back in. Maybe she'll show up.
  
• 3:30: I hate Second Life. Stupid Twitter. Real friends are there when you need them. I'm going to bed.
  
• 6:00: Man, I don't know what came over me last night. WTF? Jolene's going to laugh her ass of when I tell her about my dark night of the virtual soul. I can't wait to tell her!
  
• 12:00 pm: Jesus! You'd think she'd have responded to my damn message by now. I can't wait to give her a piece of my mind!
• 6:00: I'm not logging in early. She can wait for me tonight.
  
• 7:00: This is silly. I'm logging in.
  
• 8:05: Damn. Damn. Damn. What can I do? She could be in a fucking hospital or something and I'd never know it. I heard about something like that happening here. Oh god. I should have gotten her phone number. I should have insisted for times like this.
  
• 8:30:. Close your eyes Jolene, I know you can feel me. I’m needing you to contact me. I need to know you’re okay. Can you feel me? I need you. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Oh God, what should I do?
  
• 8:45: GODDAMMIT, where are you? Shit. I should have been logging our conversations. What did I say the last time I saw her???? She said claimed she was lagging the last couple of nights, but maybe she was talking with someone else? I bet it was one of those Plurk bitches. Fuckers! Always showing off how fucking hot they can talk. I should have known Jolene would get tired of me. I'm such a fucking loser.
  
• 9:00: Oh my god, why did I do this? I should have known better. People are shit, shit shit. I’ve told myself a hundred times not to trust people. They hurt you every time! Why did I do this? I know better. Why did I trust her? Everyone always throws me away. I’m a piece of trash. Sure, Jolene, throw me away like a paper plate. Just throw me in the goddamn trash you bitch!
• 10:52: I’ve had it. I quit. It’s over. She lied, she absolutely lied to me and I bought it. Fuck you. We’ll see who has the last laugh you inconsiderate whore. You selfish nimrod. I thought we had something! You said you loved me. YOU SAID YOU GAVE A SHIT! FUCK YOU JOLENE. I QUIT this shit life. I quit.

Stay tuned for part 5: Jolene returns

Part Three of the series formerly known as The impact of immersive worlds on human emotional processes

I guess you noticed I ditched the old headline. I've been following a wandering muse rather than a map already charted, so I find out what happens next just a little ahead of you. Before continuing this netless trapeze act, let's recap the first two legs of the roadshow:

• A human's sense of reality is based on a just a homeopathic dose of sensory information from the external world. Stories fill in the blanks.
• Humans experience internally generated conception as the direct perception of external reality.
  
• When external information contradicts internal beliefs, humans tend to ignore, discount, reject, distort or otherwise co-opt the new data instead of modifying the story.
  
• Early childhood trauma can disrupt psychological development and create long-term emotional deficits and dysfunction. Very few people reach adulthood unscathed.
  

Sue entered Second Life not knowing
there was a bomb inside her longing to explode.

Entry into a 3D virtual world begins with the creation of an avatar. Some people intentionally create characters with encyclopedic back stories. Others pick the first name that comes to mind. It doesn't matter. As a human interacts through an avatar in a virtual environment, the new persona becomes a bridge to an explosive subconscious matrix of repressed thoughts, stories, emotions and memories.

In human form, Sue kept her demons locked safely away. She had been an emotionally distant bookworm since grade school. Her posture, speech, body language and dress all reflected a distinct identity that was reinforced by the expectations of family and friends. Sue had a few boyfriends, but had never been "in love."

After a few weeks learning the basics, Sue began to experience a different sense of self while in the form of her Avatar, Jana. She felt freer, more open and more alive. She changed Jana's look to reflect the spirit of her emergent identity. Jana's new friends in Second Life didn't know about nerdy Sue. They flirted with Jana. She flirted back. A couple hours a night online was a great way to relax at the end of the day. Then Jana met Jolene and both her worlds turned upside down.

Jolene was unlike anyone Sue or Jana had ever met. Sue had never been attracted to women, but Jolene's hot sweet flirting left Jana flushed and feeling out of control. Sue began staying up all night to be with Jolene. The first few weeks together passed by in a blur of shopping, dancing flirting and erotic encounters. Then one night, Jolene didn't log on and the bomb in Sue ignited.

(Sue's post-childhood tale is a fictionalized composite of many people's stories.)

Stay tuned for part 4.