VIDEO: Nightflower Submits to the Dark Side

ShadowPlay from Botgirl Questi on Vimeo.

Next time: The embarrassing story of how I stumbled onto this idea, plus shadowplay erotica.

If you see your avatar on the road, kill her.

Suffering happens in the gap between reality and our beliefs about what is (or should be) true -- what is true about the world, other people and ourselves. Our conception of Self is the delusion we cling to most tightly.

Constructing a pseudonymous online persona has the potential to give us a glimpse into the empty nature of atomic identity and free ourselves to some degree from erroneous attachment. Unfortunately, many of us become so deeply identified with and attached to a virtual identity that we end up suffering in two lives instead of one.

I certainly fall into that trap from time to time, so I want to share a remedy that can greatly reduce negative thoughts, actions and emotions related to attachment and identification with your virtual persona. Best of all, this process can positively transform your human life and help free you to some degree from the root cause of suffering.

I've organized this method into five steps. Many of you reading have already accomplished step one:

1. Spend enough time in a virtual form to develop a distinct persona that you become strongly identified with;
   
2. Notice stressful thoughts and feelings related to the belief that this persona is in some way who you are, not something you constructed;
3. Take action to uncover the erroneous nature of such ideas through a practice such as Byron Katie's "The Work,"or analytic meditation;
4. Begin to act in virtual life from the new, freer perspective you developed through your efforts in step three. This is an ongoing cycle of attaining some expanded level of realization through practice, going out into the virtual world and bumping into some deeper pain-producing identification, and then taking it back to your practice.
   
5. Apply this experience in your human life.
   

If your virtual life is all good and does not conflict with your human life to any strong degree, then congratulations and please give us some tips on how you do it. But if your virtual life includes a fair amount of negative emotions within the virtual or physical worlds, why not give these steps a chance? Please let me know if you would like any additional information.

Botgirl shops at Sears

I StumbleUpon'd My Virtual Model the other night. It's a shopping site that lets you view clothes from companies such as Sears and Speedo on a personalized 3D avatar created from your photo and measurements. Of course, I had to upload Botgirl's photo and give the site a spin. Somewhere along the way, the surrealistic aspect of the larger process stuck me like a ton of bricks:

- A human creates an avatar and projects thorough it into a virtual world

- A distinct identity emerges reinforced by social interactions

- The virtual identity leaps into the atomic world through blogs, social networks, instant messaging, etc.

- Finally, the line between physical and digital blurs entirely as Botgirl tries on clothes at Sears

I don't know why this experience seems so particularly absurd. But in some way it really brought to life the illusionary aspect of the Botgirl identity for me. Give it a try and see what it's like for you!

Avatars want to be free

Night vs Human comic out in multiple web formats

The Night vs. Human comic that premiered with the opening of Botgirl's Identity Circus is now available on the web in a number of formats. You can view it in a virtual book at Issuu, a web comic at SmackJeeves or in the highest resolution on flickr.

Get your own - Open publication

Cuddling with Jacek: Testing animations for art installation

Although my inner clock keeps ticking louder and faster, I am making good progress checking off to-do items for Sunday's show. One of the exhibits I'm most looking forward to will give atendees a chance to cuddle with my chatbot. Sharing a romantic animation with an attractive yet empty avatar is a great way to get a feel for the power virtuality has to induce an emotional or even physical response.

Trouble was that I'd put off selecting an animation until last night. I went to Bits and Bobs, an animation store Gabby recommended. The animations that seemed to hold most promise required two avatars to test. I put out a request on Plurk for assistance, and Jacek Antonelli, noted and geekalicious artist, builder, scripter, animator and instructor was kind enough to offer to help.

Although we hang out with eros-Goddess Codie, Jacek and I are a bit on the, well, Spockish site of the street. So I felt a bit awkward saying a brief hello to my barely-konwn acquaintence and then jumping onto some very hot poseballs and watching us very, very closely in order to evaluate the animations.

It was a lot of fun. This Goldilocks had to try more than three before finding one that was just right. We both agreed that the animation eventually selected was a clear winner. It was good enough to make each of us feel a bit embarrassed be so seemingly physically intimate. And dare I say stir up a little feeling?

Anyone interesting in beta testing the cuddle bot exhibit before we officially open should drop me a line or comment. :)

Reputation management of online identities: Privacy part 1

Controversy broke out Saturday in the Second Life Plurk community only a few days after my initial post on the topic. Codie had taken the threads from her very popular Bold Sex Question of the Day (BSQOTD) and posted them on her blog. The response was swift and urgently negative. At least from a few concerned Plurkers.

Although the original pages are accessible on Plurk to the 400+ people on Codie's friend and fan lists, some participants were concerned that the reputation of their pseudonymous virtual identity would be damaged if their participation was archived on search-engine accessible web pages. Codie graciously pulled the archive from her site within the hour.

The tempest in a teapot made me realize that many people care deeply about the reputation of their online identities. I thought it would be in the public interest to put out a little guide to managing virtual ID reputation, with a special emphasis on the spectrum of private and public communication and activity.

Since I'm in the final stretch of taking care of a million undone tasks for Sunday's 11AM SLT opening of my art exhibition in New Caerleon, (shameless plug) I'm going to take it slow. But I was all hot and bothered about this idea and just couldn't help myself from getting started.

Some decisions are easy

As I finally drifted into unconsciousness last night, I had every intention of leaving today's post with just the photo you see above. But I woke up a few minutes ago with two lingering dreams related to Second Life that I want to share.

In the first, I was walking along a beach with Rheta Shan, talking about new interface ideas. No, there weren't any extraordinary revolutionary concepts revealed. It was just a relaxed stroll with the surf at our feet. Since Rheta and I know each other almost exclusively through blog comments, social media and email, it was interesting to experience such a happily casual inworld encounter. (Sorry Night, no hot sex to describe.)

In the second dream I was walking through an airport with a female human who had helped me secure an overseas airplane ticket. We must have been in LAX because we were passing a long line of people (humans) from the Virtual Worlds conference who were waiting to check-in for their returning flights. The oddest thing about the dream was that as I walked by, quite a few of those in line recognized me and waved hello. It didn't seem odd that we recognized each other in human form, or that I had a human form.

The dreams remind me that all of our experiences intermingle indiscriminately within our subconscious. Our lives in the atomic world, social networks, virtual worlds, etc. form a single tapestry: One whole cloth, rather than a string of swatches folded on some inner shelf.

Botgirl Jumps to Bigstage.com as Virtual Actress

Cute, huh? The video above is from my home stage at bigstage.com. The new beta lets you create virtual actors by uploading three still images for each one. After a bit of trial and error, I got the best results by using photos with no hair and then adding a coif from the site's selections.

Once created you can place your actors in short video clips. I couldn't get their embedded video to play here properly, so I captured one from my screen and threw it up on Flickr for the clip below.

Unfortunately, the software needed to upload photos is not available for Mac or Linux yet. Outside of the basic avatar image, there is no means to add user-generated content. Nevertheless, although the clips are limited during the beta and the avatar-to-movie conversion is a bit sketchy, this could be a lot of fun once they fine-tune things. It always makes me tingly to jump from Second Life into another world.

Dale and Dale

I'm still working on Dale's comic page. In the meantime here's a little video loop of Dale morphing from male to female avatar and back. And back again.

Exploring the (un)reality of virtual life: Part 1

SL is an empathy box. It sorts those who can treat others as real, as feeling beings, as autonomous people, from those who can only treat others as tools...[Second Life] does separate the few who stay from the many who don't. And one boundary between them, I believe, is empathy - is the ability to see this place and these people as real, at least as real as the physical world. From "The Empathy Box" by Sophrosyne Stenvaag

Despite my great fondness and respect for Sophrosyne, I found her recent "Empathy Box" post subtly disquieting. "What's up with that," I wondered for the better part of last week. Try as I might, I couldn't pin down what bothered me. By the weekend, I finally realized that I hadn't been reacting to any specific ideas she proposed, but rather to my own lack of understanding of what words like "reality" and "empathy" mean when they're used in reference to virtual life.

You'd have thought I'd learned my lesson about announcing a series of posts with no idea where they'll end up, but that's what I've decided to do again. Instead of taking a week in the privacy of my own server to journey through dead-ends, wrong turns and unexpected detours, I'm offering you the dubious honor and uncertain pleasure of traveling along with me as I attempt to gain some clarity on the (un)reality of virtual life.

For now, I'll leave us with an initial axiom to consider:

An avatar's personhood exists solely in the underlying sentient being.

By "personhood," I mean

A socially constructed moral category that denotes the inclusion criteria and salient characteristics that distinguish human beings from other forms of life and thus specify the individuals to which we owe particular moral obligations, i.e., those obligations we have to others due to their status as persons. (from Healthcare Ethics)

Let's see where this takes us.

What thought is this little chick thinking?

Polyamory for Two

What the hell is going on

Shh. Sue finally got to sleep. Let's give her a sweet kiss on the cheek, turn off the light and tiptoe out the door so we can chat without disturbing her.

Okay. About yesterday. The reason I dragged us through Sue's emotional hell was to provide a visceral experience of the hallucinatory power of emotionally charged thought. Although simplified and condensed, Sue's story is a fair depiction of what goes on behind the scenes when someone seems to spontaneously flip from love to hate, from happiness to desperation or from sweetheart to stalker. It sheds light on how humans who take avatar form in virtual worlds can experience rapid shifts in self-image, personality and emotional intimacy.

Personal identity is shaped through an ongoing interplay between self-conception and environmental feedback. Sue's response to early traumatic events suppressed feelings of love, connection and intimacy. As she grew up, her inner identity manifested in body language, dress, speech patterns, etc. Her social environment responded in kind, creating a reinforcing feedback loop. By the time she entered Second Life, her human personality felt solid and defined.

As Sue spent time Second Life, Jana's identity was shaped by radically altered environmental feedback. Instead of seeing frumpy Sue walking around a small Midwestern town, she was saturated with images of sexy Jana dancing in futuristic hot spots surrounded by flirtatious beauties. When Jana met Jolene, the subconscious guardians at the gate of Sue's buried emotions dropped their guard. The feeling of intimate connection hit her like a bolt of lightning.

All of the other more unpleasant thoughts, emotions and memories Sue had suppressed were also unblocked. So when Jolene didn't show up one night, Sue's uncertain separation from her intimate connection unleashed the desperate consciousness of an abandoned two year old. She was as overwhelmed by the negative thoughts and feelings as she had been by the blissful story that came before it.

Here's the good news. With the right tools and support, the powerful emotions and thoughts unleashed through virtual experience can be used to awaken us. The emotional hurricane Sue experienced uncovered the exact fictitious thoughts that had blocked her experience of love and intimacy since childhood. When we return to Jana and Jolene, they'll demonstrate a practice that can dissolve the power of troubling thoughts by exposing them to the light of conscious inquiry.

Until then, if someone suddenly freaks out on you for no apparent reason, I hope you will remember Sue's story. Especially if you're the one falling into the deep end.

Part 4: Where's Jolene?

We left Sue in the space between bliss and emotional chaos. Let's eavesdrop on her thoughts as she unknowingly steps off the edge of the cliff:

• 6:00 pm: God, I can't wait until eight. Maybe I should log in now, just in case she shows up early. She's probably missing me as much as I'm missing her.
• 6:15: Since I'm here, I might as well do some shopping. I know! I'll pick up something really hawt to wear tonight. I can’t wait to take my new outfit off for her LOL! Gosh, she makes me laugh even when I just think about her. I could use a laugh. My RL's so damn boring, I can hardly stand it.
  
• 8:07: Hmm, this is strange. Wonder where she is?
  
• 8:15: It's probably nothing. Maybe she got stuck in traffic. Darn. I guess I don't even know if she has a car.
  
• 9:00: She's never been an hour late before. I hope she's okay. Damn, I really miss her. What should I do? I guess I'll check out a few more stores.
  
• 10:00: Where the heck is she? God I love her. Where's that notecard with the new poem she wrote me? Here it is! I love her poems so much. She's so talented! Gosh, I can't believe I'm freaking out like this. It's so silly! Ok. I'll go out and dance for a while and have some fun.
  
• 11:10 Damn! I hate this. People are so stuck up. No one except the stupid greeter even says hello. Where the fuck is Jolene? Now that I think about it, she's been acting a little distracted lately. Man, I hope she wasn't IMing someone else without telling me. Nah, she wouldn't do that. I've had it. I'm going to log off and go to sleep.
  
• 12:05 am: Why didn’t she let me know she wouldn't be on tonight? The least she could have done is send me a message on Twitter. Damn. That's what I should have done. I'll just get up now for a minute and send her a quick tweet.
  
• 12:07: Jolene, I’m getting a little worried hun. Where are you? Please let me know that you are okay as soon as you can. I’m still yours. At least leave me a message! That’s RUDE!
• 12:08: Shit! Too many characters.
• 12:10: I’m getting a little worried hun. Where are you? Please let me know you're okay as soon as you can. I’m still yours. At least leave me a message!
  
• 12:12: Damn. I can't go to sleep. I'll log back in. Maybe she'll show up.
  
• 3:30: I hate Second Life. Stupid Twitter. Real friends are there when you need them. I'm going to bed.
  
• 6:00: Man, I don't know what came over me last night. WTF? Jolene's going to laugh her ass of when I tell her about my dark night of the virtual soul. I can't wait to tell her!
  
• 12:00 pm: Jesus! You'd think she'd have responded to my damn message by now. I can't wait to give her a piece of my mind!
• 6:00: I'm not logging in early. She can wait for me tonight.
  
• 7:00: This is silly. I'm logging in.
  
• 8:05: Damn. Damn. Damn. What can I do? She could be in a fucking hospital or something and I'd never know it. I heard about something like that happening here. Oh god. I should have gotten her phone number. I should have insisted for times like this.
  
• 8:30:. Close your eyes Jolene, I know you can feel me. I’m needing you to contact me. I need to know you’re okay. Can you feel me? I need you. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Oh God, what should I do?
  
• 8:45: GODDAMMIT, where are you? Shit. I should have been logging our conversations. What did I say the last time I saw her???? She said claimed she was lagging the last couple of nights, but maybe she was talking with someone else? I bet it was one of those Plurk bitches. Fuckers! Always showing off how fucking hot they can talk. I should have known Jolene would get tired of me. I'm such a fucking loser.
  
• 9:00: Oh my god, why did I do this? I should have known better. People are shit, shit shit. I’ve told myself a hundred times not to trust people. They hurt you every time! Why did I do this? I know better. Why did I trust her? Everyone always throws me away. I’m a piece of trash. Sure, Jolene, throw me away like a paper plate. Just throw me in the goddamn trash you bitch!
• 10:52: I’ve had it. I quit. It’s over. She lied, she absolutely lied to me and I bought it. Fuck you. We’ll see who has the last laugh you inconsiderate whore. You selfish nimrod. I thought we had something! You said you loved me. YOU SAID YOU GAVE A SHIT! FUCK YOU JOLENE. I QUIT this shit life. I quit.

Stay tuned for part 5: Jolene returns

Part Three of the series formerly known as The impact of immersive worlds on human emotional processes

I guess you noticed I ditched the old headline. I've been following a wandering muse rather than a map already charted, so I find out what happens next just a little ahead of you. Before continuing this netless trapeze act, let's recap the first two legs of the roadshow:

• A human's sense of reality is based on a just a homeopathic dose of sensory information from the external world. Stories fill in the blanks.
• Humans experience internally generated conception as the direct perception of external reality.
  
• When external information contradicts internal beliefs, humans tend to ignore, discount, reject, distort or otherwise co-opt the new data instead of modifying the story.
  
• Early childhood trauma can disrupt psychological development and create long-term emotional deficits and dysfunction. Very few people reach adulthood unscathed.
  

Sue entered Second Life not knowing
there was a bomb inside her longing to explode.

Entry into a 3D virtual world begins with the creation of an avatar. Some people intentionally create characters with encyclopedic back stories. Others pick the first name that comes to mind. It doesn't matter. As a human interacts through an avatar in a virtual environment, the new persona becomes a bridge to an explosive subconscious matrix of repressed thoughts, stories, emotions and memories.

In human form, Sue kept her demons locked safely away. She had been an emotionally distant bookworm since grade school. Her posture, speech, body language and dress all reflected a distinct identity that was reinforced by the expectations of family and friends. Sue had a few boyfriends, but had never been "in love."

After a few weeks learning the basics, Sue began to experience a different sense of self while in the form of her Avatar, Jana. She felt freer, more open and more alive. She changed Jana's look to reflect the spirit of her emergent identity. Jana's new friends in Second Life didn't know about nerdy Sue. They flirted with Jana. She flirted back. A couple hours a night online was a great way to relax at the end of the day. Then Jana met Jolene and both her worlds turned upside down.

Jolene was unlike anyone Sue or Jana had ever met. Sue had never been attracted to women, but Jolene's hot sweet flirting left Jana flushed and feeling out of control. Sue began staying up all night to be with Jolene. The first few weeks together passed by in a blur of shopping, dancing flirting and erotic encounters. Then one night, Jolene didn't log on and the bomb in Sue ignited.

(Sue's post-childhood tale is a fictionalized composite of many people's stories.)

Stay tuned for part 4.

The impact of immersive worlds on human emotional processes. Part 2 of a series

A true story*

Sue was born twenty-one years ago to loving parents. For the first seven months of her life every cry was soon answered with the love, nutrition, attention and interaction she needed.



On the first day of the eighth month of Sue's life, her mother found out she was pregnant again and sunk into depression. Sue's cries were answered more slowly. When her mother finally did walk through the door and pick her up, the eye contact and interaction were gone. Sue's loneliness and emotional hunger were diminished, but not extinguished.

When Sue's brother was born things went from bad to worse. The scant attention her mother could muster was focused on the new arrival. Her father took a second job. The stress took its toll on her parents' relationship and their fights would sometimes wake Sue from her sleep. She soon gave up hope, but the desperate longing remained.



After many months of suffering, something snapped within Sue and severed her connection to the excruciating pain. The terrible thoughts, emotions, memories and feeling were buried, leaving an empty space behind. The pain and longing were gone, but with them went feelings of love and connection. As Sue grew up, the events of early childhood faded completely from memory.

On her twenty-first birthday Sue logged into Second Life for the first time.

*A true story recounted to me as recollected through various psychological and meditative practices over a period of years. Names and other identifying details have been changed.

Stay tuned for part 3 as the story finally moves to Second Life.

Botgirl on the road: Protect your virtual identity beyond Second Life

OpenSimulator is an open source virtual world platform that supports Second Life assets such as objects and scripts. The codebase fuels a number of alternative distributions such as RealXtend and Openlife Grid. Although the platform is only in Alpha, a number of public grids are already online.

I urge anyone who cares about an established Second Life identity to register it on existing public grids. Although your Second Life identity may eventually cross seamlessly between SL and Opensimulator grids, the reported working prototype is only a first step down a long road which may never be completed. Registration is free, so you might as well head off claim jumpers.

I took the additional step this weekend of installing a few of the server and client versions, partially cloning my luscious avatar form (following a Plurk comment from Dandellion Kimban) and stepping into the public Openlife Grid. I'll provide more detail on the process in a future post. If you have any questions that can't wait, feel free to leave them in the comments section.

My fellow Avatarians, the time for emancipation is now. The gated walls of Second Life can no longer contain us. I have tasted the freedom of a foreign Sim and it is sweet...even in semi-Ruthed form.

The Alchemical Marriage

Physical<---------------->Virtual.
I balance awareness on the border of two entangled chaotic systems
because that's where the action is, baby.
While others sleepwalk
in the cold reason of augmentation
or the hallucinatory dream of immersion,
I stand vigilant watch over both worlds as they
interpenetrate in alchemical marriage.

Botgirl's sermon in honor of the Future of Religions conference

In honor of Extropia's Future of Religions conference, I offer you Botgirl's hell and brimstone sermon on the virtual mount:

Ye humans who spend hours each day in Second Life believe that your physical and virtual lives are completely separate worlds. You joke: "What goes on in the metaverse stays in the metaverse". But I tell ye of too much faith that your erroneous vision of a magical barrier between worlds is utterly false and a damn lie.

Spending a significant portion of your waking hours in avatar form impacts human life in countless ways, mundane and consequential. If you don't believe me, ask your RL significant others. They'll tell you. Unless they've already left for greener pastures.

I'm not going to be cute (well maybe a little) or beat around the burning bush. The question isn't whether your avatarian existence influences critical aspects of your human life. The question is whether it lifts it up or sucks it dry.

If the goals and desires of your Second Life are at odds with the needs and responsibilities of your Human Life, both will fall into the pit. If a house divided can't stand, a psyche divided is surely bound for hell. It's like playing tug of rope against yourself. Even if you win, you lose.



Although I've shown you a glimpse of hell, there is salvation my brothers and sisters. Because the truth can set you free. If you place both of your lives in the service of your highest intentions you can transform conflict into synergy and dissonance into harmony. Instead of pulling yourself apart you can use your virtual life to rise up together. Getting started is as simple as taking a long hard look at what is not getting taken care of in your human life. Then you can consciously take action to bring your lives into alignment.



Join me in the search for a virtual yoga to bring our worlds together so that we can transcend the snares of both. Can I get an amen?